


Just Like Old Times

by ladyinprocessing



Category: Dynasty (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Gossip girl spoilers, Mentions of Mental Illness, Probably ooc, Some Fluff, firby, kind of slow burn i guess, mentions of past relationships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-19 00:24:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17591243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyinprocessing/pseuds/ladyinprocessing
Summary: "Let's stay up late and play truth or dare. It'll be just like old times."Fallon Carrington was a lot of things, but she was not nostalgic. Something about getting her heart ripped out and stomped on changed that. Drastically.





	Just Like Old Times

**Author's Note:**

> I'm honestly not the happiest with this but I wanted to share it anyway. It takes place immediately after 2x11 and will most likely be obsolete by the time 2x12 comes out. It's not the longest either, but I hope you kind of like it nonetheless. 
> 
> As always, happy reading.

Fallon Carrington rarely threw herself a pity party. Perhaps this was why she was in such a need for one. She'd barely cried when she called off her engagement. She told herself that it was a long time coming. Her love for Michael was neither unconditional nor exclusive. She loved him, just not the way he loved her or the way she wanted to love him. She had unresolved feelings for Liam Ridley. They never had closure. They never really were together. They'd kissed a handful of times (only one of those kisses were particularly memorable, and that was because it had been blasted all over the media) and had been fake married for a while. That wasn't a relationship. That was why she tried to dive right into being Liam's girlfriend. She wanted to test the waters. She told herself that it had nothing to do with the fact that she hadn't been properly single in five years and couldn't remember how to be.

It had backfired on her horrendously and that was what finally broke her. Fallon had been taught to build up walls her entire life. Her father had preached a cold front to get ahead. These walls were crumbling around her and she didn't know what to do. It was even rarer that she didn't know what she was doing. She usually had a game plan, a five-step agenda, for everything. This whole situation had caught her with her guard down and she was severely uncomfortable with it.

It certainly did not help that Kirby refused to leave her alone. She kept popping in to check in on the brunette, to bring her tea or offer to talk. Fallon didn't want to talk to her. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She was fine crying and stewing in her own self-loathing on her own. It was difficult to do with others.

"Kirby! For God's sake! How many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone?" Fallon tried to yell, but her voice was hoarse from crying and broke halfway through the sentence. She didn't sound authoritative like she always did. She sounded weak, broken.

"I'm sorry for wanting to know if you're okay," the redhead snarked but failed to sound irritated. Pity was clear in her voice and it was disorienting. Fallon Carrington was not one to be pitied. She left the room, the door clicking softly as she pulled it shut. Fallon just started to cry again. It's all she ever seemed to do nowadays.

And she was sick, sore and tired of it. What happened to being independent, not relying on other people? Somehow, she had forgotten that she could only trust herself. It had proven itself true over the last while. Steven had bolted, Culhane did whatever he had done with that Ada woman and her father was worse than usual after OG Cristal died, even after New Cristal arrived. Hell, she even trusted Jeff. He used her to get back at her dad. She should have known by now that trusting others was foolish. Fallon decided that she was going to be independent from now on. She was no longer going to put any faith into another human being. They would end up letting her down and, emotionally, she could not afford for that to happen.

 

* * *

 

Kirby continued to bug her, offering to bring her things or be a shoulder to cry on. Fallon didn't want that and told the other woman repeatedly, but she was like a cold sore that kept coming back. It was not only annoying, but her presence was not helping the brunette's healing process. She needed to be alone, and being pestered by an Australian party-girl was the polar opposite of solitude. She was never going to feel better if she couldn't wallow in her own self-pity. Not to mention that she didn't like Kirby. She was irritating and loud and had changed little since she'd been deported from Carrington Manor eleven years ago. She still whined constantly and clung to people like ivy.

So, Fallon was snippy and rude. Nothing new. She threw insults around casually and sulked around the manor on the occasions that she left her room. She was standoffish and tried to make herself as unappealing as possible in hopes to be left alone. Her attempts her futile. Even her soon-to-be stepmother refused to leave her alone. She would try to give Fallon pep talks that she was blatantly reciting from her Pinterest feed. Her father left her alone, as he always did. He hid in his office, making business calls about his latest venture. She was too wrapped up in her own life to pay attention. She had a habit of doing that. Just another thing that was wrong with her. She was debilitatingly self-absorbed.

"M'hija," New Cristal had decided that Fallon needed a motherly figure as though Alexis wasn't lurking around somewhere, "this will pass. Sadness is a temporary emotion."

"I'm not sad. And I'm not your M'hija," the younger woman butchered the Spanish horrendously, but powered on, "I don't need your pity, I don't  _want_  your pity. Leave me alone, I beg of you."

No one seemed to get the memo, though. Sam made a few appearances, offering to drink with her. She didn't want to drink with anyone, nevermind the man who had cheated on her brother. She yelled at him. He left. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

* * *

 

For most people, things are bad when they start drinking. For the Carringtons, though, it was the opposite. They drank at every meal, when someone left or when someone arrived. They drank when they were happy, when they were sad and when they were feeling anything in between. They probably had borderline alcoholism. But they stopped when things got too much. Blake stopped drinking when OG Cristal died, at least for a little while. Steven stopped drinking when he found out that Mrs Daniels' baby wasn't his. And now, Fallon wasn't drinking because her life was quite literally falling apart.

Of course, it was Kirby who noticed one day at breakfast. She made a teasing comment about mimosas or day drinking - Fallon doesn't remember (or care). She rolled her eyes at the redhead and gave a halfhearted response that earned her a pitiful look from most of the table. God, how she wished that everyone was just like her and had little regard for other people. It would make her life a whole lot easier. She would feel better a lot faster if people would stop hounding her about her emotional well-being.

"Do you need another girls weekend? An  _actual_  girls weekend without an ulterior motive?" Alexis asked her after a long and uncomfortable silence. She smiled that manipulative smile she used to use on the groundsmen and folded her hands in front of her. Did she think that her daughter was born yesterday? You would think that after all this time, she would know her, at least somewhat.

"No," the brunette shut her down quickly, "even if I did, you would not be coming."

She left the table, holding her too-small mug of coffee as she slugged out of the dining room and back into her room. She heard combat boots thudding behind her on the stairs but ignored it and slammed her door shut before anyone could follow her in.

Fallon pressed her back against the door and let out a heavy exhale. She fought back tears - she was so sick of crying - but hit her head against the wood several times, trying to beat her brain into going back to normal. She discarded her caffeine on the end table a few feet away and slid down the door. She was just so exhausted. Being emotional was exhausting. Being a cold-hearted bitch was so much easier than whatever this was. It was so much easier to scoff than to feel.

She put her face in her hands and let out a low scream of frustration, her legs sprawled out in front of her. She was still in her pyjamas, a black, silk set. She then started to feel a little gross. It was almost eleven o'clock in the morning and she hadn't even gotten dressed. If she was being honest, she wasn't sure if she'd gotten dressed since getting back from Idaho. God. There was definitely something wrong with her.

 

* * *

 

She'd forgotten about the person following her upstairs. It was Kirby. Of course, it was. No one else in the house wore combat boots. But, it had slipped her mind that she wasn't the only who had left the table until there was a knock on her bedroom door.

"Go away!" Fallon's voice was small, hollow. She did not in the slightest sound convincing. She hadn't in days - almost a week. She let her gaze sweep her room. It sat spotlessly, as it always did. She had allowed the maids to clean while she sat in bed and stared at the wall opposite, trying to will herself to feel better. Like that was how it worked.

"I'm worried about you, Fallon," the Australian accent filtered through the door. She doubted it. People didn't  _care_  about her. They liked to pretend that they did, but they didn't. Kirby was not going to be an exception to this. Not when their relationship had been terrible from the get-go. Not when she actively told the redhead that she barely tolerated her. People don't care about people who are terrible to them.

"I don't know why it's become your life mission to be my friend, but it's not working. We're not friends, Kirby, and I don't want to be friends."

"I'm not taking no for an answer. You ate three mouthfuls of your oatmeal and only talked when spoken to. You're not being yourself."

Fallon counted to ten, trying to both fight tears and suppress a discontented shriek. She stood up, feeling shaky on her asleep legs and pulled her door open roughly. The slightly younger woman almost gave a squee of delight at the sight of the brunette. It was neither understood nor appreciated. There was absolutely no reason for Kirby Anders to be happy to see Fallon Carrington. She had never been until now.

"What do you want?"

The redhead gave A Look. She had made it quite clear why she was bugging Fallon. "I just wanted to make sure that you're okay. You're not, for the record."

"I'm fine!"

Her lies echoed in her bedroom. It seemed a lot bigger now that Michael's things had been moved out of it - now that it was only hers. She didn't like not sharing a room. Kirby looked at her sceptically, carefully mulling over her next words. Fallon wasn't going to ask for help and she was going to have to work harder than to just ask what was wrong.

"You're not fine, but you're going to have to figure that out on your own."

 

* * *

 

It took three days for Fallon to finally be able to pretend to be herself again. She came downstairs for breakfast twenty minutes before anyone else, in full pant-suit and stilettos. She wore red lipstick and curled her hair, painted her nails and made her eyeliner extra sharp. Looking okay was halfway to being okay. That's what she told herself. New Cristal smiled at the get-up, falling for her facade. She wasn't the only one, Sam and her mother gave bright grins and her father didn't look at her with a look of disdain. Kirby didn't look convinced.

This was getting old quickly. They had been home for a whole eleven days and she could not just let it go. It was none of her business, of anyone's business. This was between her and her overactive mind. It had nothing to do with her butler's daughter or her brother's adulterous husband. Why couldn't they get this through their thick skulls?

"I see you're starting to feel better," New Cristal said, looking slightly green. She was pregnant. She had a reason for feeling and acting badly. Fallon had just gotten dumped. She was pathetic. She gave a good attempt at a genuine smile and nodded. Staying silent would keep her from getting emotional. That's what she told herself.

She barely ate her breakfast, not even touching her bacon. It rose only one eyebrow, Kirby's. It irritated Fallon to no end that she picked up on that and her own parents didn't. She had been here for ten minutes and already knew her habits better than the people that raised her.

She excused herself politely and went back upstairs. She chewed on her bottom lip, getting lipstick on her teeth, as she tried to decide what handbag to take out with her. It was too overwhelming for her - the simple act of choosing a purse. She was wearing a black suit with pink heels, she should pick a pink bag. But, she had six of them. How could she possibly choose between six bags? She felt tears pricking in her eyes as she stared at them. This was not supposed to be difficult. Picking a bag was not a difficult task. Why was she finding this difficult?

She lifted the closest one to her and settled on that one. It was slightly too small and not the exact shade as her shoes ... It was going to have to do. She had already spent a half hour trying to do this. For once in her life, Fallon was leaving the house in an outfit short of perfect. She was just going to have to suck it up.

She rushed downstairs and out the door before anyone could ambush her with personal, mushy questions. She walked to go get her car from the garage. She'd never done that before. Culhane used to get it for her. But he didn't work at the manor anymore (thank god) and Blake had been too consumed by "Blake Time" to hire a replacement.

She scanned the mass of over-expensive cars in front of her. She would normally take her red Ferarri. But, she'd slept with Michael for the first time in the back seat and that would bring up bad memories. She'd had sex with him in almost all of the cars in the garage. They were like rabbits for the first few months (years). By the process of elimination, she took the one car that she hadn't had sex in (and she was allowed to drive) out. She didn't know the make or model. She didn't care, either. All she wanted to do was spend too much money on dresses that only she could wear.

 

* * *

 

Spending four hours on her own gave her time to think. Not that she hadn't been dangerously overthinking for ten days. Maybe shutting out  _everyone_ was unnecessary. New Cristal and Sam had been trying to help, seemed happy, proud that she'd finally gotten dressed. Kirby had too, but Fallon didn't like Kirby. She was clingy. Liam was clingy. Oh, Liam. Now, she associated the Aussie with Liam. More reason to dislike her.

Kirby didn't seem to get the memo. She wanted to help her, fix her. Fallon was not a broken doll. She was a person. She couldn't just be fixed.

"Are you okay?"

No. "Yes. I'm good, I'm good. I just needed a few days to myself." Fallon was supposed to be a good liar. She was too exhausted to lie. She could tell that the redhead saw right through her.

"Sam and I are playing cards downstairs if you want to join us. We might even break into the liquor cabinet."

She thought about it for a moment, it couldn't be too bad. "Sure. I'm not drinking, though."

This earned her a smile. She wasn't holding herself up in her room anymore.

Neither Sam nor Kirby knew how to play any of the games they played. They couldn't even play Jack Change-It or Go Fish. What were they going to play if she hadn't joined them? Snap? She teased them for this, in more of a playful than mean-spirited way. That was new. She usually would have ripped them a new one for being so uncultured.

The two of them got quite drunk on the youngest bottle of scotch they could find while Fallon sat sober and winced at their slurred words and incompetence. It made her laugh a little. She hadn't done that in days.

 

* * *

 

She cried again when she got back to her room at around midnight. She had fun with Kirby and Sam. They were really funny and childish. It was kind of like old times when the two girls would sneak into the kitchen and eat the pastries that Mrs Gunderson always made. That was one of the very few positive memories with Kirby. They didn't get along towards the end of her stay in Atlanta.

She ugly cried in yoga pants with her hair in a bun. She looked homeless, but she didn't even care anymore. She didn't even know why she was crying. She wasn't happy, but she wasn't sad either. Her brain was too scrambled to interpret her feelings. She just let them out.

She heard the door creak open and thud closed softly. Kirby came in and sat next to her on the bed. Fallon didn't have the energy to tell her to get out. She let Kirby wrap her arms around her and she cried into her shoulder. It was an oddly friendly moment for them. Fallon didn't like Kirby, after all. That's what she told herself, anyway.

 

* * *

 

Liam was right, she decided. She had changed. She was no longer as ambitious or passionate. That's what she got for selling the company. Her father was right (he rarely wasn't). She'd work on that. She'd work on making herself, herself. She should probably go out and get herself a job once she'd finished with her post-breakup episode. She just had to get this rough patch over with.

To her dismay, the rough patch lasted longer than expected. It had been nearly a month since Idaho. It shouldn't take this long to get over a breakup. She'd gotten over Jeff in less than a week. She'd gotten over Robbie Reid in less than a drink. She didn't dwell on feelings. Why was this time so different?

She cried some more when she heard her parents talking about her as she walked past the study. They were starting to worry, too. Kirby had probably brainwashed them into it. She was probably trying to sabotage her (or Fallon was going crazy trying to think of reasons she didn't need to be worried about). She cried when Anders brought her a pain au chocolat when she hadn't left her room for two days. He remembered she liked them when she was sad. And she cried when Sam told her that Steven had asked about her. She missed him more than Michael and Liam combined. The thought made her cry. Shocking.

 

* * *

 

Fallon eventually just felt numb. She'd cried herself dry and she felt nothing. It was worse than feeling sad. Her mind was blank as she stared at the wall opposite to her bed, admiring the detail of the wallpapering. That's what she told herself, anyway.

Kirby unsurprisingly made an entrance. She didn't even bother to knock on the door anymore. She just walked right into the room and plunked herself down on the bed. She usually wouldn't talk. The two of them would sit in silence until the redhead was called elsewhere.

"This is getting really bad, Fall. You're depressed. And not post-breakup depressed; like depression depressed. You need to go see a doctor."

No one had called her Fall (apart from Steven on occasion) since her mom had left. She didn't know how to feel about it.

"And who made you a psychiatrist? Fallon Carrington does not get depressed."

"Mental illness does not pass over people because they have money, Fallon. I'm pretty sure rich people are more likely to be mentally ill," Kirby mused, moving her hand to touch the other's shoulder. Fallon moved out of the way before she could. She was not a fan of touching as of late.

"I'm not mentally ill!" the brunette cried indignantly. She sounded petulant, like a child. She couldn't be. She'd already gotten over her mommy issues in therapy, it would be mortifying to go back.

"When was the last time you left the house?"

Shit. Like a week ago? Maybe? She couldn't remember. Her memory had been foggy lately. "I don't see how this is relevant." Lies. She did.

"I'm going to sit here with you for a while. All this isolation is going to make you crazier than you already are."

Kirby got into bed beside Fallon and let out a deep sigh. It was ten o'clock, the brunette's bedtime since she slept alone, and there was no way in heaven, hell or earth that she was going to sleep in the same bed as Kirby Anders. Last time it had happened, she had peed the bed.

"Don't think that I'm allowing you to sleep in my bed."

"Oh, come on! It can be like old times. We can stay up late and play truth or dare ... maybe even do a few prank phone calls?" Kirby  _giggled._ This was moronic. She was not having a slumber party at twenty-five years old. That was just sad. Like anything she had done in the last month  _wasn't_  sad.

"No."

"Truth or dare, Fallon? Don't pick dare yet. The website won't load."

"I'm not playing truth or dare with you! I am not in the eighth grade!"

"When was the last time you went commando in public?" Kirby was acting as though Fallon hadn't blatantly refused to play truth or dare with her. She refreshed the website on her phone for the fourth time and let out a groan of frustration before clicking off of it and trying a new one.

"I'm not answering that." Fallon attempted a death glare but wasn't sure if it was successful. She was too tired to emote outwardly.

"You're being a real wet blanket right now. Please just do this, for me?"

Fallon never did anything unless it was for herself. She didn't know what had possessed her when she rolled her eyes and complied.

"The night we went to meet Liam in the restaurant. No, I'm not giving you an explanation. Truth or dare, Anders?"

They played a few more rounds before Fallon fell asleep quite abruptly. Kirby hadn't even realised that her friend(?) was asleep until she never got a reaction to her dare to fill her eyebrows in with nail varnish. She rolled her eyes but laughed lightly nonetheless. She tucked her in before placing a kiss on her hair, smudging her drugstore nude lipstick on her hairline.

 

* * *

 

Fallon found herself spending more time with Kirby. She didn't like it. But, she didn't  _not_ like it either. She was conflicted with how she felt about it. She was conflicted about how she felt about everything. Kirby made her feel better, but only momentarily. She'd feel numb again as soon as she was alone. She didn't understand why. Fallon didn't like not understanding things.

It had been stormy in Atlanta. It usually was this time of year. She didn't like it. Weather scared her. When she was little she had Steven to make her feel safe. Last year she had Jeff to make her feel better about it. The four years prior she had Michael to soothe her. She thought she'd have him this year, too. For some reason, that thought didn't hurt as much as she'd thought it would. She was starting to get used to him not being around. Still, she felt empty.

She was on her own to panic about thunder this year. Forced to hide in her bed as though her comforter would protect her from the rain. She felt pathetic.

Kirby would help her when it would storm during the day. She'd distract her with ludicrous anecdotes or turning up the volume of her laptop when they watched Drag Race together. She was helpful, nice. She was acting like a friend. No one had ever treated her like this. No one had put this much time and energy into her since she was able to function basically on her own. It was weird. In a good way. She still had to do night duty on her own.

"I think we should watch Gossip Girl. Like old times," Kirby suggested one day when thunder was particularly loud. They'd watched the first season and a half together when it had first come out. Kirby left after the thirteenth episode of season two. O Brother, Where Bart Thou? became Fallon's least favourite episode. She had to watch it alone. Their relationship was more than strained at this point. The hour that they were glued to The CW on Wednesday nights was the only time they weren't fighting. Kirby wasn't nearly old enough to watch it when it first came out. She was only ten when it first aired. Anders let her watch it because it stopped the screaming. If only Blake and Alexis had had a TV show to bond over.

"If you want. Just don't try to cram Derena down my throat. Dan was so creepy."

"Don't cram Blair and Nate down mine and we'll be fine."

"At least I didn't ship Nate and Vanessa."

"Nate belonged with Vanessa!" Kirby argued, shaking her head dismissively.

"Vanessa was a bitch."

"She wasn't the only one."

They turned the show on after ten minutes of fighting over Vanessa Abrams' morals. They continued to bicker about Chuck and Jenny and Georgina and who Gossip Girl should have been. Fallon would die believing it was Juliet Sharp, Kirby argued it was Dorota. It did feel like old times, except they didn't want to kill one another when they finished for the night, at two AM, at the end of season one.

The redhead left for her own room, waving lazily as she shut the door. Fallon felt numb again. She was starting to rely on Kirby. She wasn't supposed to rely on other people. They would only let her down.

 

* * *

 

Fallon woke up in Kirby's bed several days later. She must have fallen asleep when they were watching Love, Rosie last night. They were holding hands. Fallon didn't hate it. She couldn't explain why. She just didn't.

 

* * *

 

"I'm beginning to think that the only reason that you like Vanessa so much because Jessica Szohr is really hot," Fallon said as they watched Gossip Girl's season four finale.

"Duh! It's the only reason you like Jenny. You have the hots for Taylor Momsen."

"Do not. Leighton Meester is more my type."

They were talking about girls. Together. This was weird. Fallon had never once in her life admitted to anyone that she had any interest in girls until that second. She didn't know how Kirby knew. Kirby just seemed to know everything about her. It wasn't a bad feeling. She liked the fact that she could be open with someone for what felt like the first time in her life.

They made eye contact. Only for a second. And for that second, butterflies tingled in Fallon's stomach. For once, she didn't want to digest them. She was okay with letting them flutter about. She would never dare to say that aloud.

 

* * *

 

Okay, maybe Fallon  _did_ like Kirby. Just a little. And, in a friendly way. Not the slightly romantic way that the evil voice in the back of her head was insinuating every ten seconds. Preposterous.

Their storm safety blanket sleepovers had become more regular. As in a nightly occurrence. It wasn't intentional. They would go to bed separately after watching Netflix for too long and debating whether it was okay to stay up and watch another episode. But, somehow, one of them (usually Fallon) would slip into the other's bed just after midnight.

Words like codependency floated around in her head, trying to scare her into slinking back into her own mind. It had almost worked a few times, but Kirby was a cuddler with a death-grip. Fallon would not be able to get out of there if she wanted to. She usually didn't. She couldn't explain why.

She was getting better. That's what she told Kirby. She still felt empty all the time. She'd still stare at her bedroom wall for hours on end if Sam had stolen Kirby to do something idiotic. She'd still catch herself planning a future with Liam. New Cristal had told her that healing was non-linear. She was starting to understand. She didn't think that she was depressed. But, she thought that maybe she could have been if she hadn't have climbed out of her cave of sadness that was her bedroom.

She reminded herself to thank Kirby at some point. Not now. She was sleeping. She was cute when she was sleeping. In a totally platonic way.

 

* * *

 

 

The tears started again on episode ten of season five of Gossip Girl. They started and they didn't seem to stop. Kirby told her to let it out. It'll be okay. She promised.

 

* * *

 

Fallon got an appointment with her old shrink. She needed it. She was tired of being numb and exhausted and crying all the time. She was so sick of the crying. Kirby said that she was proud of her. It was half the reason she did it.

She didn't know why she craved the redhead's approval when she knew she already had it.

The therapist talked about a lot of things. It was more than overwhelming. He talked about life-long suppressed negative emotions were finally coming out. He talked about her fear of rejection and being alone. Ironic.

Kirby kissed her cheek when she got home from her first appointment. It made her smile. Grin, even. She felt like she was in junior high again. She kind of felt like herself again, just for a minute.

 

* * *

 

She was starting to believe the voice pestering her in the back of her head. But, she was not entirely sure how she felt. Fallon  _might_ like Kirby Like That. She didn't know. Everything was really complicated with them. First of all, Kirby was a girl. Second of all, less than a month ago, she barely tolerated Kirby. Third of all, they shared a half-brother. That wasn't something she'd thought of until she was trying to decide if she did like Kirby. It didn't stop Serena and Dan, she thought to herself. They were watching too much of that show. It was getting sad.

The thought was daunting. What if Kirby didn't like her back (likely, Fallon wasn't a very likeable person), what she wasn't actually into girls like that (also likely, the actresses on Gossip Girl and Gilmore Girls were unfairly attractive). There were so many variables that may not go in her favour. So, she took that little glimmer of attraction and buried it deep into the depths of her mind, somewhere where she wouldn't be able to think about it unless she went looking for it. She doubted she would ever want to. She could be stubborn.

The fact that Kirby was around her constantly did not help. At all. She would laugh at her own jokes and she so happened to have an adorable laugh. Fallon almost admitted it out loud. She caught herself halfway through the sentence, trailing off. The redhead gave her a quizzical look before moving on, scrolling through her Instagram feed.

They were out for lunch. Fallon's shrink had told her to go out more. They were waiting for their food and were people watching. It was uninteresting. Most of the dramatics happened at brunch or dinner. The majority of the people around them were colleagues. It was a lot more unsatisfying than she had expected, hoped for. Kirby made it better, though. She found herself thinking this more often that she would care to acknowledge. It was what it was. That's what she told herself.

 

* * *

 

Kirby called Fallon her best friend. The brunette guessed it was true. They spent all their time together. Guilt, an emotion she usually refused to feel, had an icy hand wrapped firmly around her still somewhat aching heart and declined to loosen its grasp. She had never thought of Kirby as a friend. She'd called her one in Idaho, but she hadn't really meant it. She'd considered her a nuisance whom she barely tolerated. Then, she was an inner conflict. With Fallon, things went from nought to one hundred quite quickly. There was never any middle ground with her.

She agreed. They probably were best friends at this point. Fallon did not like this. She was replacing Monica. Monica was her best friend. Dirty Kirby could not be her best friend. She was just her friend. She didn't dare mention it now. She didn't want to hurt her feelings. The thought of a hurt Kirby made her uncomfortable. She tried to forget that there was a point in her life where she had sought it out.

"I'm going out with Monica tomorrow," Fallon said, trying to sound nonchalant. It should have been casual. But, it felt like a betrayal. She had been spending so much time with Kirby that it felt like it was cheating to go out with Monica. It shouldn't.

"That's great!" It was almost condescending. Maybe she thought that it was cheating, too.

 

* * *

 

"You're crushing on her so bad. You need to talk to her."

Monica saw right through her when she explained the situation. Her half-cousin had always been able to read her. It used to irritate her. It irritated her now. She didn't like the fact that other people could read her better than she was able to read herself. Fallon thought that she knew herself. Apparently, she didn't know herself half as well as she thought she did.

"No. I'm not. I don't like girls," Fallon lied. It was blatant. This was odd. She was usually better at deception than at being honest. She was changing, probably for the better. Lying was not a virtue. It was just annoying.

"Yes, you do. You were into Korey in high school and that Leoni girl in college. Don't pretend that you weren't. I know you, Fallon, even if you like to pretend that I don't."

* * *

 

Monica was right. She often was. Fallon liked Kirby  _like that_. She didn't know what she was going to do about it. Or if she would do anything about it at all, she might just let it pass. She found that to be difficult, though. She still spent all her time with the redhead. It was hard to get over a crush when you couldn't get away from them.

She was still very much conflicted about Kirby when the redhead kissed her full on the mouth unexpectedly while they're bickering about something unimportant. She couldn't even remember what they were talking about afterwards. It felt so odd. Kirby was a better kisser than any guy she'd kissed before. It felt like the dream she'd had on Thanksgiving after she was knocked out. Kirby was a better kisser than her dream self.

She was so caught off guard by it that she didn't react. Not immediately, anyway. After a moment, she bolted back into her own room and stayed there for a while. She'd accepted that she liked girls and Kirby but she was not ready to kiss either of them. It just wasn't the right time. She didn't know if there would ever be a right time. Fallon wasn't confident about her feelings. She hadn't been very confident about much lately. The fact that she now knew that Kirby liked her back made her feel somewhat better. Not much.

Kirby left her alone for the rest of the day, understandably. Fallon missed her. She felt a little bit empty again. Not as empty as before (her antidepressants were helping with that) but worse than she'd been doing. She didn't hold herself in her room for days on end, but she caught herself zoning out again, staring into space for possibly unhealthy amounts of time. She missed Kirby.

But, she couldn't find it in her to go find the other girl and talk to her. She wanted to explain that she felt the same way, she just wasn't ready. She had only been single for a month. This was the longest she'd been single for five years. She needed longer to jump into a new relationship. She was maybe willing to do something casual, but a full-blown relationship sounded daunting. Kirby would understand.

* * *

 

The next day, Kirby apologised. She rambled and came up with a million and one excuses. Fallon didn't listen, she wasn't angry.

"It's okay. I'm not mad at you. It's hard to be mad when you kind of want it to happen."

Kirby looked confused. Her eyebrows knitted together as she stared at the brunette in utter disbelief. Fallon shut up her silence with a kiss. It felt like old times. Somewhat.


End file.
